I love my husband, at times. I love my son. I love me most days.
The other day, i came home from work sick. like so sick unable to breathe, walk, or stand up even. THis happened to be a night Garrett was doing extra duties (being a back to school dance coordinator) so i was watching Zypher and feeling like shit. I called in work and asked for the next day off which i got but i had to in turn work a shift for her (fair yes but when would i get over this dang sickness)
Saturday: I was able to breath out of one nostril. i could stand but it hurt to cough and i got dizzy so quickly. I wanted to sit and read and veg out...but NOPE i have a kid and a even bigger kid. Garrett did nothing but sit on his ass and play vidoe games while i took care of zypher and him and not myself. WHY the HELL do i get to do all this and not you?
Garrett wanted sex. he is such a man. I dont like to be in confrontation but i couldnt breathe so why would i do that? so no sex which is okay because i am not sure i could handle sex mentally.
Sunday came and i knew was feeling better but not up to par, yet i went in and did my three hours for my boss. I was having feverish flashes. I made the best of it. Monday was horrible. I went to work for the girl and that was truck day. I wanted to shoot my manager for ordering so much shit. We didnt even need all of what we had ordered! It is probably going to go to waste :(
That night garrett wanted sex, again. Iam feeling better, but im not in the mood. I also do not like when garrett gets all macho and expects me to do what HE wants to do. it ruins what small mood i have. So when he gets all worked up and i am still trying to act like i like it, i feel empty. I feel so horrible for doing that.
Tuesday he pissed me off even more because he had a dentist at 4 and a coach meeting at 7. I had a mental health meeting at 5. I went to Hastings to get him and he said i could pick 6 books and close my eyes and he would pick one of those and put the others back...but he ended up picking out one without me picking my books...he said its a surprise so i dont even know if i will like it or not. We ate at subway and the person doing the order is a terrible terrible sandwhich maker. I said my sandwich, cheese, and that i want it toasted. he was like okay what cheese toasted or heated? UGH listne the FIRST DAMN time!!
RAWR!!!
Zypher needed changed but oh we have to go because they dont like it when we are late to meetings. Seriously garrett?! we left at 640. the high school was maybe 5 mins away from us. So Z set in a dirty diaper prolonged because someone needed to get to his meeting, which we were the only ones at this early i need to point out. So im so pissed! It would have taken maybe five minutes!!! UGH!!!
we have so much to talk about i dont know where to start. I plan on going home for a week so i can spend it with my family and Garrett is all what about me? who is going to make my lunch and dinner? Rolling my eyes i said you stupid. Seriously you are such a baby!
After my talk with my therapist, I know that i need this trip home more than i need alone time...which i have had NONE of!! I am still sick my throat hurts my head hurts and i cough more and more and it hurts too.
By the way, I hate that I cant just sit and relax. Zypher is there or Garrett is there with a question about zypher. Why doesnt he know this by now? zypher is one dammit! geez.
Wednesday (today) i work and it hurts. i am exhausted physically mentally emotionally. I just want to sit down and cry and get better but i cant. I just cant because GArrett wont do anything and when i ask him to he gets pissy about it.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
what moms know that fathers do not...
Remember how fun and cool it was to sit around the table and have a family meal? How about the family game nights that were competitive and full of laugher?
Garrett and i are drifting. there is no real other way to put that except that we dont see eye to eye any longer. He comes home from work and he will sit on his ipad or computer and play his own games in his own world.
Zypher and i love to play and talk to him too. I feel like im competing with his gadgets and what nots. I also feel like im being left in the dust as he continues further in his career and i am being mommy. Dont get me wrong, z is progressing quickly and wonderfully other than not gaining weight :/
the other night (i started this on the 2nd) i checked out a movie i have been DYING to see since it was announced. Veggie Tales In Space The Fennel Frontier. It was chalk full of David Bowie, Star Wars, Star Trek, Dr. Who, Back to the Future (and MANY MANY MORE!) references. Z Loved the sininging and i loved seeing it! I thought it would be a good family film. Guess what, Someone was missing. He was playing shooter games in the basement.
I became very cold and distant toward him for it. when he asked, i replied that he is part of this family too and needs to act like it. he of course huffed off.
he didnt see how z liked it. he didnt see how funny he thought it was. he missed that. GArrett misses a lot of zyphers life, and then gets annoyed or upset when i buy more camera storage cards so i can document these things for him to see later.
To the point, Garrett watched the movie with us before we turned it back in and he groaned the whole time. He was not liking the references or the inaccuracies. But Zypher didnt care. I didnt care.
As a mom, i know z likes what ever we do right now. and if we like this movie, so does he. He sees mommy and daddy together in the same room doing the same thing and it makes sense to him.
Garrett doesnt know that because he doesnt stick around. there are days i feel like im a single mother and im just taking my baby daddy's money.
Garrett and i are drifting. there is no real other way to put that except that we dont see eye to eye any longer. He comes home from work and he will sit on his ipad or computer and play his own games in his own world.
Zypher and i love to play and talk to him too. I feel like im competing with his gadgets and what nots. I also feel like im being left in the dust as he continues further in his career and i am being mommy. Dont get me wrong, z is progressing quickly and wonderfully other than not gaining weight :/
the other night (i started this on the 2nd) i checked out a movie i have been DYING to see since it was announced. Veggie Tales In Space The Fennel Frontier. It was chalk full of David Bowie, Star Wars, Star Trek, Dr. Who, Back to the Future (and MANY MANY MORE!) references. Z Loved the sininging and i loved seeing it! I thought it would be a good family film. Guess what, Someone was missing. He was playing shooter games in the basement.
I became very cold and distant toward him for it. when he asked, i replied that he is part of this family too and needs to act like it. he of course huffed off.
he didnt see how z liked it. he didnt see how funny he thought it was. he missed that. GArrett misses a lot of zyphers life, and then gets annoyed or upset when i buy more camera storage cards so i can document these things for him to see later.
To the point, Garrett watched the movie with us before we turned it back in and he groaned the whole time. He was not liking the references or the inaccuracies. But Zypher didnt care. I didnt care.
As a mom, i know z likes what ever we do right now. and if we like this movie, so does he. He sees mommy and daddy together in the same room doing the same thing and it makes sense to him.
Garrett doesnt know that because he doesnt stick around. there are days i feel like im a single mother and im just taking my baby daddy's money.
mood swing blues
Today was supposed to be awesome! i woke up with the school alarm my husband set (gotta get back in the school schedule it starts next week!) I fed z and me.
Z today hs proven difficult. he is getting on my nerves and i keep finding myself yelling at him. it makes me feel so terrible! I just cant figure out this funk. I was in it last night too. counldnt decide if i was in the mood or not...if you follow me.
It could be because when we went shopping, there was NO formula, and at dillons there was NO meat :( i think we hit the store at a bad time... five pm.
I have started a program called Rockin Body. its a nice work out. Hard and i sweat really badly.
I walk in the morningis when it is still cooler out. I usually get about a mile and a quarter in...although my husband says that the lane six i use the designated walking lane is acutually longer than a mile, he says he will figure out the details at a later date so i know if im actually walking more than that. I have to push harder because its not making me sweat anymore.
I have made all our dinners for the month and neatly put them in the freezer. yay!
I made z a bottle and apologized to him for yelling at him so much this morning and all he could do was smile and keep drinking his bottle.
Zypher and i went to the lap swim. I did two walking laps, swam 8 laps, and two cool down walking laps. I also worked on some cardio but not a lot. He was flirting with the guards.
I feel so tired but i cant sleep. I am crying and i really think i woke up on the wrong side of bed...literally i did though. what do you do when a workout still doesnt cure your mood? Answer, you call a babysitter and HOPE they are available, pop in sailor moon, and get a drink. well okay i didnt have a drink because i will have to drive to pick up z, but i may have one later tonight.
Z today hs proven difficult. he is getting on my nerves and i keep finding myself yelling at him. it makes me feel so terrible! I just cant figure out this funk. I was in it last night too. counldnt decide if i was in the mood or not...if you follow me.
It could be because when we went shopping, there was NO formula, and at dillons there was NO meat :( i think we hit the store at a bad time... five pm.
I have started a program called Rockin Body. its a nice work out. Hard and i sweat really badly.
I walk in the morningis when it is still cooler out. I usually get about a mile and a quarter in...although my husband says that the lane six i use the designated walking lane is acutually longer than a mile, he says he will figure out the details at a later date so i know if im actually walking more than that. I have to push harder because its not making me sweat anymore.
I have made all our dinners for the month and neatly put them in the freezer. yay!
I made z a bottle and apologized to him for yelling at him so much this morning and all he could do was smile and keep drinking his bottle.
Zypher and i went to the lap swim. I did two walking laps, swam 8 laps, and two cool down walking laps. I also worked on some cardio but not a lot. He was flirting with the guards.
I feel so tired but i cant sleep. I am crying and i really think i woke up on the wrong side of bed...literally i did though. what do you do when a workout still doesnt cure your mood? Answer, you call a babysitter and HOPE they are available, pop in sailor moon, and get a drink. well okay i didnt have a drink because i will have to drive to pick up z, but i may have one later tonight.
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