What do you do when you have feelings? Are you like me and bottle them up inside of you until they are bursting at the seams to get out? What happens when they do get out? Is there a metaphorical river running through you in the form of searing hot tears and anger and sadness? Yes. Me. All the time. Actually no, not all the time. Just recently it seems.
I take an antidepressant. I know, weird that such a happy-go-lucky person as myself would need it. Well, I do. I didn't know that I did until I was pregnant though (age 23). I was always in therapy though to learn how to communicate and express my feelings. It is not easy for me to do this. I am best when I am writing, it is when I truly shine. Which is partly why I started this blog. Some place where I could come and talk about what I want. What I need. What I feel. Me. Me. Me.
That being said, I am hurting. I see my friends around me these days, getting married, having kid number two or three, buying houses. Meanwhile, I have nothing. I live in my old room in my old house in my old town. I live there because I cannot afford to live on my own. I have two jobs because I can't support myself otherwise. But I also cannot support my son either. I do not like the way I look. I have been trying to change that by getting up and going to the gym more. However, as of late, I have no desire to. No drive to get up in the mornings and go. (I did today though! I took a long hot shower and sat in the massage chair to relax). I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be the one person that has no love life. I put myself out there several times and it always comes back to bite me in the ass. This person doesn't want kids, well i have a kid so sorry. Another doesn't want a relationship, but i do. So I have come tot he conclusion that maybe i am just not meant to have a love life. I will remain alone, which is okay for now, but not really.
I love my kid to the end of the world and back. I know that he is smart. He knows that he is smart. My kid just loves to learn, kind of like me. He, however, does not really know when to turn it off. And that is part of him, I know, but it has been annoying to me lately. And maybe, as a normal person, I do not know how to respond and/or react to him being the autistic kiddo that he is. We are working on it together. I have been reminding him of hula hoops and how every person has a hula hoop around them called a boundary or personal space. He is doing better with that, but still struggles. His loudness has no filter. It is always set at one level: loud! The annoying thing to me that I should have started off with I guess, is that he knows so much stuff about so many different things and I really don't care. Mom did you know, mom did you know, did you know, did you know, hey try this, do this, this is because... and on and on and on! I am really thinking that there is no off button. Even at bedtime he would rather me make up a story about something he learned that day than hear a bedtime story. I know your IQ is 125 and that is higher than the normal person's IQ, but you have to stop and smell the roses sometimes. I don't really care about black holes and science experiments dude. I should not complain though because he is who he is and that is not going to change. It is just something that has been bothering me that I needed to let go of.
Sorry if this was dragging on and long. I promise that soon it will not be so hard for me to post such emotional things. I just need to get out of my head and back into my own routine. Do not fear my awesome friends, I am working on cosplays and writing more in my book. With any luck, maybe I may achieve my goal to be published :D
No comments:
Post a Comment